Boyfriends are different from me.

Boyfriends are smart, like me. But they are also athletic or tough guys. Sometimes they aren’t athletic any more, or they have stopped being tough guys. But they were before. They are self-deprecating or ironic about being tough guys or athletes. They get to be smart and also be tough guys and very physical.

Boyfriends have good taste, like me. But they’re also clean and well-organized. They have several credit cards and a car that is in good repair. Most of them ride motorcycles, too. Sometimes they were tough guys or athletic on motorcycles before and now they just have one. They appreciate the arts and literature and also go very fast on motorcycles and on their cars taht are in good repair.

Boyfriends can travel and buy nice things for themselves and for their girlfriends because they have good office jobs and several credit cards. They know how to not run out of money and they are always able to pay for things when it’s necessary. Their apartments have cool stuff in them even if the apartments are very small.

Boyfriends are nice guys, like me. But they are aggressive too. They persist and get things that they want. Sometimes they’re angry a lot because they need to be angry to get what they want. They are not shy about demonstrating dominance but they are still nice guys.

Not all women date boyfriends. Some boyfriends marry and are technically husbands then but they are still boyfriends. It is not a role; it is a particular type of guy. Some guys that I know are boyfriends and some are not.

Edit: They almost all wear glasses. I don’t know why. Sweaters, too.

Boyfriends sometimes say that they are dorks or geeks or outcasts. Sometimes their girlfriends say this about them too. It is not true, though. That’s why it is said.

16 thoughts on “Boyfriends

    Also they tend to smell like books but in a good way and never smoke or drink or eat too much. But if they do it’s as cute as it is rare.
    Also they always have exactly the right thing to say and are never ashamed to say it because they’re just sort of okay with everything.
    Also they seem to always have enough money for dinner and a show and spectacular gifts regardless of the money they make at their job, whether it’s incredibly mundane or eccentric or nauseatingly bourgeois. And they have really great apartments.
    Also they are always much more interesting and happy with, you know, whatever, than any of us will ever be and can sustain an erection for a good 10 to 12 hours without any sort of awkwardness.
    Also they should be sent to the shit mines to, you know, mine shit for a few decades.

  2. Hmmm…
    I have a wonderful boyfriend…. Maybe not THE boyfriend but he is my wonderful boyfriend….
    He still needs to read this 😉
    nice work

  3. I like boyfriends – there should be more of them to go around…
    I’ve know a few of them over the years be somehow them seem to lack that something that would make them really interessting. But they’re sooo pretty to look at.
    I wonder if the same thing isn’t true for girlfriends?
    Have any theories on that?

  4. Hmmm. Interesting. I only dated one “boyfriend” and I can tell you that the “not boyfriends”, make better partners. 🙂
    Definitely food for thought here. I think some one else asked too, what is your take on the “girlfriend” type?

  5. Bah
    I love you man, but this is self-pitying emo hogwash and you know it. You’re better than this.
    You’re smart and funny and well-read and well-traveled and sophisticated and you have great friends. You may be head-damaged, but you’re a catch, man. The only difference between you and a boyfriend is that the boyfriend has a girlfriend.

  6. Girlfriends
    Now that you bring it up, girlfriends are different from me.
    Girlfriends are good looking, like me. Or, at least, I was when I needed to be. But girlfriends wear lipstick and eye-shadow, and the stuff never collects in creases on their lids. They have long fingernails that may, or may not, be real. Their French tips are always in good repair. Their legs are never prickly, and their pantyhose are only torn if that is the fashion.
    Girlfriends know how to accent their men. A girlfriend makes a cute couple, no matter who she is with. Girlfriends are never too smart for their own good. Girlfriends offer their ideas when they think they’ll be agreed with.
    Girlfriends have a good sense of humor, like me. But their humor is straightforward and fun, never dry or esoteric. Girlfriends make jokes that everyone gets right away, and no one has to think several steps more before they get to the funny part.
    Girlfriends are pursued. They never have to figure out how to get a guy friend to become interested in being a boyfriend. They are asked out long before any of that becomes an issue. Girlfriends are escorted places, and own cocktail dresses for the occasion. Girlfriends know how to walk in heels and know how to wear cologne without wearing too much.
    Girlfriends are nice, like me. But they don’t approve of their friend’s eating habits. They diet and exercise to keep their figures and they’re not afraid to judge women who let themselves go. Nonetheless, they have a lot of friends who care about what they think.
    Girlfriends have jobs, like me. But they don’t plan to keep them once they have children. They get nannies, so that they can diet and exercise and keep their figures, despite the pregnancies. They marry, and usually they are given surprisingly large diamond engagement rings. Technically they become wives and mothers, but they are still girlfriends. They secretly consider “getting some work done.”
    Girlfriends sometimes say that they are fat, or bitchy, or lame. Sometimes their boyfriends say this about them too. It is not true, though. That’s why it is said.
    Sometime, let’s talk about partners. I like them better. I’ve got one. I am one. They know how hard it is to keep to a budget. They would like to ride motorcycles, but they don’t because it’s not in the budget. Many of them have cut up their credit cards.

    1. Re: Girlfriends
      You nailed it!
      The overall percentage of girlfriends seems to be a lot bigger in the States. Odd little observation. Where do you grow them? Secret farms with huge containers of “sweet” and “blond”?

      1. Re: Girlfriends
        I was long ago informed by some of my men friends that Girlfriends of this sort are grown in a vat. I suspect that it is a hydroponic process, which would explain their complexion.
        (Oh, and I love your icon.)

      2. Re: Girlfriends
        I assume the girlfriends and boyfriends are farmed together. The farm appears to be somewhere near me in Orange County, California.

  7. view from another planet
    My heart sank as you anatomized the type, and sank again as the Girlfriend emerged from the mists, comment by comment. I know that boyfriends exist. I’ve seen them on TV, not only on sitcoms but on realty shows. Which they win, with grins of conscious superiority. I think to be a boyfriend, your parents had to be a boyfriend and a girlfriend. Otherwise you never will believe in your own grin.
    They exist, but I’ve never talked to one in a meaningful or confidential way. They only talk about sports and investment opportunities. They go to church to the degree that their social circle requires it, but they don’t believe in God, and don’t know they don’t believe in God, because it would be bad form to bring it up.
    They are dangerous, and they do know that.

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