I got the box and put things in it that would make me happy.

Oh boy, the truth is out. Jeff Eaton, a good friend of mine for years, has given in and revealed his fabulous 700 Club appearance!

See Jeff in a 1990 style kidmullet! See Jeff interview the audience! See Jeff interview the host and ask pointed questions about her life tragedy! See the very tightly wrapped host, who appears to be at the end of a diet pill/cooking sherry tailspin! See the host’s Beverly Hills Admiral Lady outfit and perfectly triangular Alice-From-Dilbert hair! Experience a truly robotic child model with a vast forehead! Christian muppets! Learn about the wondrous miracle of the HAPPY BOX, the most innovative business idea in West Alabama!

I hadn’t known they had a Christian Aquarium version of the Cosby Show. Nor that it was possible to sing Christmas carols in an Elmer Fudd voice on a Christian TV show and not be shot dead.

See Acid-Washed-Jeans Nation family and their 6 year old kid who insists on sending her own money to Pat Robertson! Oh dear.

One thing I noticed was the overall sweetness of the show. Of course this was a kids’ special version, but there’s no craziness and bile and hate, just saccharine stories about people being pleasantly holy, and appeals for cash. The big TV Culture War hadn’t started yet.

Cute little black sitcom girl ended up doing porn after some financial reverses and poor decisions, apparently. Ow, two cheers for being a pretty girl in America. Huge-forehead child beauty queen became a medium-grade Christian Beauty Queen (“Former Cover Girl for Dr. Glenda Payas Dentistry brochures, ads and website”). Shiela flipped her lid and quit TV. And Jeff? Well, he became a dangerously liberal blogger. You can’t win ’em all, Pat.