Meat, oh meat
Red raw piles I love them
Meat, meat, meat
Smeared upon the toilet seat
Rub it gently to the beat
Soft and bloody under a sheet
Hunt it, kill it, cook it, it’s time to eat
My beautiful
Wondrous
Sensuous
MEAT.
(Unknown, circa 1986.)
L.
Ok so I got one of these things right.
I mean, I am into big foods, you might say I collect Big Food Experiences, so this was pretty much a no-brainer. Now I’ve had the previous regular omelette sandwich before — it was ok, a little bland and the grease made the bread fall apart, but otherwise entirely palatable, and fairly impressively Large for a fast food restaurant.
So anyways I go in and I order this thing and first of all I could see it through the paper wrapper. There was so much liquefied animal squirting out of this thing, it had almost entirely dissolved the paper. Keep in mind that this paper is already waxed but the wax could do nothing against this sandwich’s organic onslaught. After unwrapping it I didn’t even try to eat the thing with my hands; it would have been like trying to stuff a live eel in my mouth. So I went up to the front and asked for a knife and fork which after some explaining they were able to find for me.
The first bite was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Mostly I was bracing myself for the taste of fat-impregnated bread, but I’d forgotten one of the cardinal rules: fat has much less flavor than you expect. In fast foods you can often taste the grease because there’s little to no other flavor to get in its way, but in this case I was dead wrong. The taste of sodium nitrite and artificial smoke flooded my mouth like a sewer explosion — I nearly gagged with it, and was barely able to choke down the lump of foulness in my mouth.
The rest of the sandwich wasn’t bad though, and I might try one again if I’m ever really hungry some morning.
Can a man have a heart attack induced by osmosis? I think that PICTURE is dangerous. Man, I’ve never felt well after eating a fastfoodbreakfastsandwich and that thing looks like my body’s worst nightmare.
I’m going to go drink a gallon of water and a bottle Pepto now…
The Voice: It is the Broodwich. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in hell’s half acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise beaten from the evil eggs of dark chicken force-fed to dogs by the hands of a one eyed mad man. Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal, which has maggots for blood.
Frylock: See, told ya.
Shake: I tasted mustard.
The Voice: Yeah… Dijon mustard.
the mere thought of this thing is causing a tightening in my chest cavity. given my family’s propensity for “off the charts” cholesterol, i don’t think i should ever be in the same room as this thing.
jesus.
Be My Blog 
I think my heart just stopped.
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Meat, oh meat
Red raw piles I love them
Meat, meat, meat
Smeared upon the toilet seat
Rub it gently to the beat
Soft and bloody under a sheet
Hunt it, kill it, cook it, it’s time to eat
My beautiful
Wondrous
Sensuous
MEAT.
(Unknown, circa 1986.)
L.
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Yeah i dont eat there.
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Ok so I got one of these things right.
I mean, I am into big foods, you might say I collect Big Food Experiences, so this was pretty much a no-brainer. Now I’ve had the previous regular omelette sandwich before — it was ok, a little bland and the grease made the bread fall apart, but otherwise entirely palatable, and fairly impressively Large for a fast food restaurant.
So anyways I go in and I order this thing and first of all I could see it through the paper wrapper. There was so much liquefied animal squirting out of this thing, it had almost entirely dissolved the paper. Keep in mind that this paper is already waxed but the wax could do nothing against this sandwich’s organic onslaught. After unwrapping it I didn’t even try to eat the thing with my hands; it would have been like trying to stuff a live eel in my mouth. So I went up to the front and asked for a knife and fork which after some explaining they were able to find for me.
The first bite was like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Mostly I was bracing myself for the taste of fat-impregnated bread, but I’d forgotten one of the cardinal rules: fat has much less flavor than you expect. In fast foods you can often taste the grease because there’s little to no other flavor to get in its way, but in this case I was dead wrong. The taste of sodium nitrite and artificial smoke flooded my mouth like a sewer explosion — I nearly gagged with it, and was barely able to choke down the lump of foulness in my mouth.
The rest of the sandwich wasn’t bad though, and I might try one again if I’m ever really hungry some morning.
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This story would make a good BK radio ad.
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I’m with threepunchstuff
This was kind of beautiful.
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Are sesame seeds a vegetable? You’ve got all four food groups so I don’t see the problem.
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Can a man have a heart attack induced by osmosis? I think that PICTURE is dangerous. Man, I’ve never felt well after eating a fastfoodbreakfastsandwich and that thing looks like my body’s worst nightmare.
I’m going to go drink a gallon of water and a bottle Pepto now…
LikeLike
The Voice: It is the Broodwich. Forged in darkness from wheat harvested in hell’s half acre. Baked by Beelzebub. Slathered with mayonnaise beaten from the evil eggs of dark chicken force-fed to dogs by the hands of a one eyed mad man. Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of fanged cow. Layered with 666 separate meats from an animal, which has maggots for blood.
Frylock: See, told ya.
Shake: I tasted mustard.
The Voice: Yeah… Dijon mustard.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHA. YES!
i am so glad you posted this. thank you.
p.s. is it wrong of me to imagine Isaac Hayes as “The Voice?”
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When I think of “meaty morning”, this is not what I think of 😉
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Terrifying.
I had curry for breakfast. Again.
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Why do I have to sign a waiver?
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the mere thought of this thing is causing a tightening in my chest cavity. given my family’s propensity for “off the charts” cholesterol, i don’t think i should ever be in the same room as this thing.
jesus.
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