Sometimes these maneuvers are performed while you wear a vibrating headband.

The likely diagnosis for my big adventure on Sunday is Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo. I gave a cute metaphorical description of it before. Basically little rocks fly around where they shouldn’t in tiny structures in the ear and make people dizzy and nauseous, and sometimes other effects. There’s no reason why it occurs, nor any reason why it stops. It’s just one of those things. Unpleasant but not deadly.

There are a number of things to do about this, and I’m doing two: taking 50 mg of niacin a day, and taking a diuretic. (Excess fluid in some ear part or other can set this off too, apparently.) But that’s not all!

If this keeps happening, I can try one of two Liberatory Maneuvers for Vertigo: the Epley, and the Semont. I picture them as two old grumpy men like Statler and Waldorf on The Muppet Show.

This is the Semont Maneuver:

semont maneuver

And this is the Epley Maneuver:

epley maneuver

This is fabulous stuff. Immediately I forget that I’m ill, and I imagine myself in an ancient office full of phrenology heads, giant clamps, perhaps a van de Graaf generator or two, with an elderly German man grasping my head harshly with gloved hands and flinging me around as I vomit explosively on his hapless assistant, yelling “JU MUSST REMAINEN SCHTILL!” until finally the tiny bit of calcium that’s been tormenting me comes loose and falls down the back of my skull like it went behind the fridge. Then I tip my hat to him and leave my card, and stride down the Strand to my club. With luck I’ll be asked to stand in a zinc basin first, and everyone will be wearing spats.

Now to look up the “Brandt-Daroff Exercise”, which I hope involves Indian Clubs, a Medicine Ball or two, and a pint of oatmeal stout afterwards. Physical culture is the key to life, men! To the icewater baths!

18 thoughts on “Sometimes these maneuvers are performed while you wear a vibrating headband.

  1. Okay, weird. But. Do you have anything special going on with movement right now like, do you have to be careful not to make certain movements?
    When my mom had a similar thingy she used to have problems laying flat on her back.

    1. I’m not supposed to fling my head suddenly backwards. Not sure what I’m going to do instead, you know, to fill the void.

  2. OMG not to be a pre-copycat, but i got that several weeks ago. my case didn’t involve vomiting, but it meant that, because i had to take a very non-essential business trip because my boss’s son was getting an award for French, that the co. had to pay close to $800 because i had to take a car service rather than rent a car. awesome! mine is pretty much almost over, but i had a little spin today. my dr. didn’t tell me to do anything, but he said another dr he knows inexplicably puts patients on valtrex. it never works, but he does it anyway.

      1. oh ya, me too. i love shopping and suddenly getting dizzy and not knowing if it’s a reaction to the price of a skirt… i had it bad bad for a week, and less bad but constant for another week, and now, only occasionally. i might try the niacin anyway. i love the niacin flush.

      2. The niacin thing is a low dose one, 50 mg instead of the 500 people use for cholesterol control, so no flush for you!

  3. Love that turn o’ the century imagination
    And of course, the room will be very cold.
    And if the condition gets worse, something involving stirrups will be used.

  4. I’d like to say something here, but I don’t know what it is, so I said this instead.
    Notwithstanding your friend who’s also had this, chances are you’re not going to find a whole lot of people at dinner parties with whom you can swap stories.
    Now I know why we sometimes just have to say, WTF!

  5. I hate that you have a bb rolling around in your boxcar, making you puke, but I really loved the imagery of this post.
    I’m imagining you going all nutso like the Madness of King George, running around yelling “YES, YES! WHAT, WHAT?” in your dressing gown, as the weeks progress.

    1. Caught me!
      I’m imagining you going all nutso like the Madness of King George, running around yelling “YES, YES! WHAT, WHAT?” in your dressing gown, as the weeks progress.
      Since I work from home, I actually do this all day anyhow.

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