Hallmark Holiday Hell: St. Patrick’s Day

  1. There is no one named “St. Patty”.
  2. If you are not an Irish Catholic, don’t say “Erin go bragh”. It means something political; go look it up.
  3. If you are not Irish or Irish in ancestry why are you celebrating this holiday? Just drink and enjoy it, but please shut up about the leprechauns.
  4. Green also means something political. Go look it up.
  5. The last thousand years of war, religious hatred, more war, domination by the English, yet more war, starvation, terrorism, oppression, and still more war are not an excuse for Biff and Muffy to vomit green beer in the alley behind Humpy O’Farty’s Luck o’the Irish Chain Restaurant in Pinch a Log, Texas.

I’m going to wait until St. Olaf’s day and eat two pounds of herring and drink a barrel of gløgg.

17 thoughts on “Hallmark Holiday Hell: St. Patrick’s Day

  1. *applause*
    If I had to make a list of things I just really couldn’t give a rat’s ass about EVER even if I tried really really hard, St. Patrick’s Day would definitely be in the top ten.

  2. I’m Irish enough to celebrate this holiday, however do we really want to celebrate the man who brought catholicism to Ireland?
    Not me.
    Get drunk because it’s Thursday. That’s a MUCH better reason.

  3. I’m going to wait until St. Olaf’s day and eat two pounds of herring and drink a barrel of gløgg.
    That’s like everyday in Minnesota, dood.
    I’m only half-Irish, and everyone keeps mistaking me for anything but. It is okay for me to start speaking like my grandpa when I inevitably get drunk tonight? Is it okay to start molesting kids?
    Love,
    A.

  4. Yarr
    I had to defend myself with a clicking pen until a coworker would back down from his attempt at pinching.
    This day, like so many others, is complete and utter bullshit.

  5. my dad’s 1/2 irish. that makes me 1/4.
    today we celebrated by eating pizza for dinner and not mentioning st. patrick’s day because we forgot about it. we probably forgot for not caring. tonight, i celebrate by watching “ray” with friends. does that make me cool. =[

  6. I once sold a tube radio to a ham named Olaf in Norway.
    He signed his emails “73 de Kind Ol’ Olaf”
    I remember this clearly as the radio had a solid lead base and weighed about 75lbs. Despite the high shipping cost even via the slowest means, he still wanted it.
    I wonder if it has arrived yet.

  7. I’ve got a gang that actually gets together on Leif Erikson day near a statue of same in a local park. Someone’s mom (an elementary school teacher) makes meatballs (not Norwegian, but wtf) and her lunatic friend (also an elementary school teacher) makes gløgg.
    The group gets bigger every year, and there are always random passersby who stop for gløgg and good cheer.
    I’ve been waiting for the year where we get busted by the cops for drinking in the park without a license, but nothin’ doin’ so far.

    1. my mom’s stepdad was norweigan, and he had a wee record that was an advert for lutefisk. the chorus went “ufda! ufda! lut-e-fisk!” and i would dance to it.
      i thought you should know.

  8. thank you. oddly enough, a holiday that invovles drinking does NOT entice me.
    my old neighbourhood had many, many irish bars; on this day of the year i just wouldn’t go home, for fear of having to step over green barf and brawling frat boys.
    FIE.

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