scratched on the cell wall

If your ship is sinking very slowly, you may not be constantly reminded of the problem, but periodically you’ll see that the water is higher, and the list is more pronounced, and things are a bit slower. But it’s so slow! You forget that it’s a continuous process, and hallucinate stability.

The progress of my life is like this. Every day I get a bit further from what I need, and a bit closer to death, and every day it gets a little bit harder to win the game.

Forty meant more than other ages because I’m that joke about loser guys: the lonely 40-year-old. I’m doomed to failure because I failed in the past, and I don’t get any do-overs. The people around me by contrast make me Malvolio, Cyrano, Aqualung.

From the bridge I can see the deck boards starting to float a bit, and the running lights are flickering.

I want out, but there’s nowhere to go.

4 thoughts on “scratched on the cell wall

  1. i read this. reread it and have been in that spot with the sinking water. each day you descend a bit further, without noticing. then one day you look back at where you were and holy shit you’ve gone a long way down.
    there are no words i can say. it’s hard work, but you can get out of that pit.

  2. i’ve never managed, but i know those who have.
    i’m a “young guy” but I’m trying to tread water about now, too.
    i’m sorry there’s not something more i can do to help you but i want to thank you for being the friend to me thta you are; not because you have anecdotes or you’re witty or you’re a comic foil, but just because you’re conrad. you’re broken and you’re pissed off and you’re afraid of it too, but you’re still conrad. and that person is one i consider my friend. thank you.
    and if it’s any consolation, i always joked about being a lonely sixty year old.

  3. Scratches that echo
    I, too, have felt the water rising, even though I could have sworn the damn just broke a few years ago. I had no idea it would start to envelope me so fast.
    I have no magical words to turn back the tide. I wouldn’t dare to insult your intelligence with “don’t worry, things get better” because even if they will, the water still rises, doesn’t it…
    But know we are here for you, even those like me that haven’t met you yet. You have touched lives.
    Keep afloat, because you never know what lies behind that corner.
    “Things can turn on a dime.”

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