ON THIS 4th day of the month of March, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand Four,
IN THIS City of Newport Beach,
IN THIS County of Orange,
IN THIS State of California,
BEING THAT numerous people we know have had a day which is unduly full of Fecal Matter, packed with Refuse, jammed to the brim with Sludge, and frothing over the top with Bilge and Sputum,
AND ALSO BEING THAT this comes on the heels of the first third of an inauspicious Year full of Illness, Divorce, Injury, unrequited Romantic Love, great Trials at the hand of the Government, loss of Employment, mental Anguish, Overwork, and inexplicable Failures of the Providence in which we Trust to Provide for us,
IT IS HEREBY PROCLAIMED that the Fourth Day of March in each Year shall be known henceforth as Crapmas.
By the Power and the Seal of the Great Lodge of the Exalted and Honorable Order of the Diedrichs Table, vested in me in my Office as an Ancient and Confirmed Member of the Thirty-Third Degree, I do proclaim this forth.
General and Presiding Plinthist
Grand Oriental Chief of the Ninth Secret Lodge
Grand Persiflager of the Reformed Templars