Persiflage in the third degree

We came up with a number of good bad ideas tonight. I missed something about “Liquid Vinyl” before I showed up, but I thought that we could sell:

1) Attack hippos. Hippos are naturally aggressive, big, and like pools of water. Perfect for guarding the homes of anxious southern California wealthy idiots. Sort of the Hummer of guard animals. Whether or not to import small hippos or the full-sized models would be a market segmentation decision, but I think we could justify the cost basis of hippos if we marked them up enough.

2) Penis gourds. The whole New Primitive thing is mainstreaming now. I think people are already tattooed and pierced, and when even the local hausfrau has a rose on her ankle it’s time to go to the next level. The New Guinean penis gourd is a way for men to accessorize, too, which is big these days. There are a lot of good potential “move ups” with the gourd string, painting jobs, etc.

Based on the whole THREE POUNDS OF SOUR CREAM debacle I’m also thinking that squeeze tubes of dip for putting it directly in your damn mouth without chips or anything could sell pretty well. Sort of like gogurt but for onion dip, guacamole etc. Or just plain sour cream, for which the slogan would be “CREAM UP!”

I think we broke the_silent_one three times tonight. She’s funny when she turns red and tries to hide under the table and all you can see is the middle finger.

11 thoughts on “Persiflage in the third degree

  1. RJR-Nabisco presents SQUEEZ’UMS
    new flavors:
    Habanero-Scallion Xplosion
    Garlic and Cumin and Mango
    Uncle Tlaloc’s Chipotle Festival
    Concentrated Cilantronium (Institutional Only)
    It’s Ranch! Honest!
    yes, I’m drunk. Why?

  2. Liquid Naugahyde!
    You could have miniature and standard hippos, much like poodles. The miniature ones would be loud, yappy, hyper, anorexic, frail, and annoying. The standard ones would be large, loud, annoying, and face-biting. While you could not do the crazy grooming stuff with the standards, like the poodles, you could do something similar–for instance tattoos and piercings for the standard hippos to make them look more mean. Perhaps dental implants to change their teeth from those dull herbivore ones to sharp, spiky, carnivore teeth. Nothing but eyeteeth!

  3. Actually we were trying to spare you by not explaining the liquid vynil comment. Because it involved Jed wearing nothing but liquid vynil. And I was really hoping to forget about that completely, and now…gah…..

  4. So while discussing the practicality of attack hippos at work today, my coworker suggested attack manatees. I assured him they would not suffice though, he insisted if “dressed” in razorblades and spiked collars they would me more than capable. I then reminded him that the sea cow cannot travel on land to pursue and escaping enemy, as an attack hippo would be able to. It was at this point we came to the decision that exploding dwarf hamsters would be a great addition to the defense collection. What do you think?

    1. This is what comes of working for the Navy
      Your guys just can’t think outside the water.
      However, if we used the hippo solution we’d still need an air component to our defense system. Perhaps we could use flying monkeys or exploding bats (similar to your hamsters)?

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