The simple things you see are all complicated

I’m being depressed again, and this post is mostly for my own “benefit”. If you’re bothered by self-pity, just move along.

In my relations with the opposite sex, I don’t think I’ve progressed much since I was 13. Then, I’d look at the girl I was interested in and realize that I wasn’t getting anywhere with her, and feel bad. Now, I hang out with her and don’t get anywhere, and feel bad.

I appear socially functional, women like me fine, but no one wants to be intimate with me. I find that women I’m friendly with this way don’t tell me when they’ve acquired a boyfriend; they just disappear for a bit, and then return to have dinner with me regularly again. They know that our friendship is a substitute for dating for both of us, and they don’t want to hurt me or make me jealous, nor do they want to lose the friendly nonthreatening guy friend in their lives.

Various people have given me advice about my neurotic and painful social life. Setting aside the nut cases, misogynists, and people with a Solution for Everything, most of these boil down to one of:

1. Be a jerk. You’re a Nice Guy and those don’t get anywhere.
2. Ask out loads of women you don’t actually like and end up having a sexual relationship with the 1 in $large_number who’ll actually sleep with you.
3. I’m just as miserable as you; let’s marinate in it.

#3 is pretty understandable, although unattractive, But I totally reject 1 and 2. I don’t see mistreating other people as an effective strategy for achieving happiness, and neither do I think hanging around with ditzy red-faced divorcées at the local crappy bar will bring me anything good. If this is a sales gig, then I’m out of luck. In the Economy of Sex, which isn’t something people like to talk about, I have a product that’s hard to sell: I’ve always been eccentric, I’ve never looked the way you’re supposed to look, and my lifetime success rate of zilch has at this point really colored my view to the point that I don’t expect any success at all.

The really painful part about it, the part that I can’t face most of the time, is that my “backup nonsexual friend” repeating situation means that the people I keep on caring so much about in my world rarely care nearly as much about me. I’m just not worth as much as they are. I should, perhaps, be grateful that any of them spend time with me at all, right?

When I was a teenager, of course, this was all going to get better as soon as I got to college and people had values more like mine. That’s 20 years ago now.

I don’t need any more friends like that. Not any of you. I’d rather be alone than condescended to any more.

I see right through your plastic mac.

8 thoughts on “The simple things you see are all complicated

  1. Sucks doesn’t it?
    It’s because of that kind of thing that I’ve had one relationship every 5 years. I mean, sure, they tend to last about 2 years a time, but that’s still a hell of a lot of non-relationship time.
    Maybe I should ask a woman why a _different_ woman doesn’t fancy me…

  2. I know you do not really relish the idea of online dating, but it seems to me it is still your best option. If your life is limited to Work, Diedrichs, dinner with people you already know you are not going to date, and other established enviornments where you already know everyone, and there are no prospects there, then the only way to open the avenue is to “get out there.”
    This leaves bars and the internet. I dont really see you as the hanging out in bars to meet women type.
    The reality of online dating is a numbers game for guys. If you send out enough notes, someone will respond, you will get dates. At first I thought this sucked, it was like, what is the point of a profile if you are just going to ignore it and send to anyone? Well, the profiles are bullshit anyways, so why pay that much attention to them.
    Pick a big service like Yahoo or Match.com. Join. Find profiles that meet your basic requirements, but keep your requirements really loose. Send like 1 new note a day for a month. Make sure that when you send the notes, comment on things in their profiles, it actually helps to show that you really read the lies they wrote about themselves.
    You will get dates from this.

      1. See, but its not. I am certainly not suggesting that you sleep with someone whom you do not like.
        Think of it simply as networking.
        What if you actually meet someone that you DO like and likes you online?
        Have you seen eharmony? It might be a better altenative for you. told me about it. You cannot play a numbers game on that one, it gives you limited matches based on a fairly extensive profile thingy. Take a look at it: http://www.eharmony.com.

      2. It is still the same thing. “Networking” is just a fancy word for meeting lots of people you don’t like until you find someone you want to have sex with. I really disagree with you there.
        I did try Dr. Neil Warren’s exciting eHarmony service. Dr. Neil was sad to inform me that there was no one within 300 miles who was compatible with me. Shit, N-Dogg, I could of tole you that.

      3. I tend to see internet dating as just another way of meeting people, and of course, if you don’t meet anyone, you won’t meet anyone you’re interested in.
        Mind you, I’d never go that route myself, but that’s more because I’m the shy, retiring, easily embarrassed type.
        I’m also not suggesting you should either. I just think you’re being a little (just a little) harsh on the process.
        And, incidentally, can I just redirect my lj at yours? your journal sometimes sounds a lot more like me than mine does, and you’re funnier a lot of the time too… 🙂

  3. well, obviously the problem is YOU. why aren’t you more like everyone else? you absolutely NEED to be a shallower person, and you need to learn how to treat women like crap! didn’t you see tom cruise in magnolia? THAT’S ALL TRUE!
    anyway, i too am an online personals advocate. why? because i am very particular about who i date and i rarely encounter people in real life who i genuinely like. of course, i know it’s easier for me because i’m a girl, but i’m an OLD girl, and very cranky, smart, and competitive. i don’t get along with many people. no, that’s not true. i get along with almost everyone, i just don’t LIKE too many people.
    one of my long-term relationships was a guy i met on a now-defunct online personals thingee. he lived in seattle and i lived in ny, and we certainly would have never ever met had we not had ads online. we dated/lived together for a while but we discovered that bi-polars and unipolars do not mix. my current boyfriend and i actually had alot of friends in common, none of whom would have ever introduced us because they’re putzes. and he attempts to ‘pick up’ a person like once a year so again, we would have never met had we not had ads online. i think the online ad thing is a great way to find people who have similar interests and similar temperaments that you just wouldn’t find in real life–either because they’re shy, or have odd hours, or travel in totally different circles.
    or, you could become a rock star. have you considered that?

  4. Short of being some random girl, might I suggest getting know a few people here – LJ. Make friends in the area via LJ. That’s what I’ve been trying to do just to meet people since I moved here. I did get to meet , and a couple of others.
    By making some new friends they introduce you to new friends, etc. And maybe one of them will be a someone who knows the girl who’s looking for you as much as you’re looking for her.

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