|substitute’s Life (UPN, 10:30): substitute (Seth Green) learns a card trick from la_observed (Dustin Hoffman). Later that day, vegemitelover (Queen Latifah) overhears brienigma (David Carradine) talking about El Nino. The week after, gynocide (John Barrymore) makes lj_syndication (Kevin Spacey) look stupid in front of a large crowd at a car dealership. In the next town over, archiedavis (Katharine Hepburn) and rroseselavyoui (Dick Van Dyke) find a lost gerbil at the dentist’s office. That same day, deus_x (Keri Russell) and fairietard (Hallie Eisenberg) perform slapstick at the Grand Canyon. Zany antics follow.