20 things I’d like to say to you.

People have been posting 20 things they’d like to say to 20 “LJ People” but not telling what goes with who. Here’s my version of this.

1. I made a statue of you entirely out of dryer lint.
2. They told me for years you were a bot, but I never believed them.
3. ..Rosebud..
4. You spit on my face one day when we were both in Kindergarten. I cannot forgive you.
5. I don’t care what you or anyone else says, cranberries don’t belong in bagels.
6. People might go on a second date with you if you didn’t pee all over the food court at the mall.
7. It wasn’t kind of you to switch fursuits with my ex at the handfasting.
8. The cops wouldn’t have been involved at all if you hadn’t put a baby monitor in there.
9. I took you off my speed dialer because you called “spaghetti” “basketti” like a five-year-old kid.
10. You should give up the pretense. Everyone knows you’re just a little old Sherpa man.
11. Of course I pretend to be nice to you. Everyone pretends to be nice to you because you carry that machete around all the time.
12. It’s bad enough for a 45-year-old man to have an imaginary friend, but you keep dry-humping him. I can’t go to lunch with you any more.
13. You should stop telling people the birthmark is a tattoo.
14. Adidas will never sponsor you, not for handball or anything else.
15. You shouldn’t use all that hip hop slang without looking up what it means first.
16. It might be ironic for some people to wear highwater pants and thick glasses, but it isn’t for you. Trust me.
17. You should stop doing that in the bathroom at work; they have cameras, you know.
18. I am the one who has been impersonating Tori Amos in a series of letters and emails to you for five years.
19. That night we met at the blues club on the Westside, I surreptitiously spit in your drink every time you called me by that lame nickname.
20. That Hitler mustache wouldn’t flatter anyone. On you it’s terrifying. Shave it.