Hi, I’m Troy McClure

Diane Sawyer, ace ABC reporter, is in Istanbul to cover the big story about Turkey approving the use of U.S. troops from their country. I found this out because I took my mom to the doctor this morning and had Good Morning America or something inflicted on me.

The morning show dealt with this by showing a perfunctory 30 second news story about Iraq, Turkey, and the Kurds and then going into a lengthy travelogue style feature about glorious Istanbul, the fancy palaces of its storied past, clips from a James Bond movie (!?), and finally an interview with a restaurateur and chef about gastronomic art in Istanbul and the delicious local specialties combined with Continental flair.

I can just see the planning meeting for this show in my head. “Sam, Diane’s in Istanbul and we want to use this on the morning show.” “Ok, Jim.” “Thing is, Sam, this stuff is heavy, we got Kurds, we got chemical warfare, we got all kinds of blood and guts shit. This is the morning show. We need sparkle.” “I’ll get a chef, do some wacky stuff with traditional dishes, some luxury porn, show the chandeliers.”

Bonus points for a whole sheep’s head dish where our ace reporter keeps being squicked by the eyeballs. Plenty of burned heads with detached eyeballs coming up, Diane. Just you wait.

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