Use this for any computer security warning

This was in today’s RISKS digest. Yay.

From: Jeremy Epstein <>
Subject: Pete Lindstrom’s parametric worm warning

[From Pete Lindstrom, Spire Security,]

*<Adjective> Computer Worm <verb> Internet*

In the wee hours of <date>, a <adjective> computer worm spread <adverb>
throughout the Internet. Dubbed <silly name> because <ridiculous reason
that doesn’t explain anything about how it works>, and also known as
<another random name> and <another random name>, the worm has infected
an estimated <number> systems within <length of time>. Experts are
calling this worm the most <adjective> since <date in the past>.

The worm exploits a hole in <Microsoft product name> that was first
identified <number> months ago by <security company name>. In an attempt
to secure the planet, <same company> released detailed information about
the vulnerability and how to exploit it. They also mentioned how to fix
it, but apparently <noun> listened. Coincidentally, the worm that
exploited this hole was also first identified by <same company>. Even
more coincidentally, they make a product to protect against <noun>.

“Actually, it’s not really a <noun>, it’s a <noun>,” said <Pete
Lindstrom, or some other person seeking publicity>. ” A true <noun>
works by <random filler that nobody will read>.”

The worm’s payload <verb> every system by <verb ending in -ing> the
<noun>. Comparatively speaking, this is much worse than <another worm>
but not as bad as <another worm>. The computers of <place> were hit the
hardest. Current damage is estimated at <dollar figure more than the GNP
of two-thirds of the world’s nations>. ” This worm has the potential to
<something or other>,” said <Pete Lindstrom, or some other person trying
hard to come up with something interesting to say ;-)>. ” It just goes
to show you that <another something or other>.”

Though there is no way to protect against this particular bug, experts
recommend trying <longshot one> or <longshot two>, neither of which
matter, since nobody will do it anyway.

2 thoughts on “Use this for any computer security warning

  1. I just got a memo from the company that manages my apartment building. It says that they are now ‘officially converted to a new software system… We are now 100% “Windows” based and continue to hone our skills on this new “state of the art” accounting program.’ (note the use of quotes there).
    Maybe I should send them this warning…

  2. I thought this was going to be a Homeland Security sort of virus warning. Like:

    Intelligence gathered in irc chat room #H4X0r was communicated to the President early Thursday morning. After conferring with the Joint Chiefs at dawn, the President has decided to raise the nation’s terror virus alert to Mauve. No details about the virus were released, but experts believe that it is more than likely the malicious code will attack computers running an operating system. White House Spokesdude Ari Fleischer did suggest that, in accordance with intelligence, all Americans be on the lookout for anything on their computers that might be considered ‘B1TCh1N’ or ‘M4D Sk1LLZ’.

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