A letter to the editor in this week’s Orange County Weekly, with a response not from the reporter but from the editorial staff, makes me all warm and happy inside.

Your rag and alleged journalists are certainly entitled to what I consider immoral, ultra-leftist opinions. Freedom of the press is, in fact, essential to a democracy. However, when a writer (Jim Washburn) has a column entitled, “Immigration? We’ve Got Bigger Problems” with a subtitle, “Why Our Noncitizens Are Our Best Citizens”, I would hope that the article would contain concrete examples of these declarations. Unfortunately, the writer chose to ramble on various issues, never addressing his topic points, before offering an example of a missed opportunity to the solution of illegal immigration by stating, “Back in the 1980s, Jesse Jackson proposed helping Mexico and other neighbors to (sic) overcome corruption and cronyism to (sic) raise (sic) job prospects and standards of living so people wouldn’t feel compelled to come here”. Mr. Washburns reasoning, like his writing, is muddled. Hey Jim, why don’t you and Jesse co-author a letter to President Fox? What a joke!!

Washburn’s final paragraph starts, “Immigrant-rights organizers are next planning a May 1 “Day Without an Immigrant,” (sic – comma should have been after the parenthetical close) in which they’re asking that people not work or shop on that day”. Great writing, Jim. I particularly enjoyed you’re convoluted word structuring in this sentence. Finally, Washburn, assumingly toungue in cheek, illogically states that blackened calamari tostada is as American as apple pie. Not that clever, Jimbo.

I applaud celebrating a “Day Without an Immigrant”. If illegal immigrants don’t work, don’t shop, don’t drive without a license or insurance, don’t commit any crimes, don’t send their children to school, don’t use any free governmental or health service benefits, etc. on that day, I would propose “A Year Without an Immigrant” so we can actually ascertain the true cost of illegal immigration.

Have a nice day,
David S. Gray
Via e-mail

The copy editor responds: Your letter, while dull, illustrates two important points: that you are frighteningly stupid, and that you really shouldn’t mess with a copy editor. In American English, we keep our punctuation inside our quotation marks unless the punctuation in question would change the meaning of that which is being quoted—for instance, if I were to say, “It sure is amazing how far David S. Gray’s ‘toungue’ is up his own ass,” and then someone else asked another person if he had heard me say that thing about you and your “toungue,” he would say it thusly: “Did you hear the copy editor say of David S. Gray, ‘It sure is amazing how far David S. Gray’s “toungue” is up his own ass’?” Am I confusing you now with all the switching back and forth between the apostrophes and the quotation marks—incidentally, what you do when there’s a quote within a quote? I’m sorry. Sorry you’re so pathetically dumb! By the way, you seem to have a bit of a problem with your possessives and you don’t know your yours from your you’res. By the way also? You’re a dick.

Don’t mess with Texas, you pussy little bitch.

Best day at the mall ever

firecartThis pamphlet was distributed at a shopping mall by the artist. It is an instruction manual of sorts, done in DMV/air safety style, showing exactly how a day at the mall should go.

It’s the work of Packard Jennings, for whom I would like to buy a beer.

His next project needs lots of business reply envelopes, since it’s intended as an instruction manual for the hapless drones who work processing mail for large companies.

Stuart Saves Rock ‘n’ Roll

changeng has been a hero to me for some time, because he does music exactly how he wants and is a superstar. Also because he can do the weirdest versions of songs with the funniest and most unlikely instrumentation and do them really well, not just the tacked-together way a novelty artist would.

Monkey, toy piano, xylophone, slinky, whatever it takes, Stuart will use it.

So anyway he’s saving rock ‘n’ roll, and I urge you to read this account of his gig at the Lords of Chaos tour. This is a NuMetal/pop punk tour for The Kids These Days: Atreyu, Deftones, Thrice, Story of the Year. Not what you’d recommend for a guy who plays “When Doves Cry” on a hurdy-gurdy. But this is Stuart and he’s magic.

Looks like he wins! Damn. Maybe there’s hope after all.