Their Thetanic Majesties Request

Edit: feisty_robot points out that this was originally a satire piece, and that the editors of the Toronto Fashion Monitor had been taken in. I guess they’re no longer the continent’s paper of record for me!

Every time he opens his mouth, he brings me joy, and I can forget the world’s cares for a few more moments. I had no idea that Brooke Shields had a multicentury career of evil behind her! I thought it was restricted to Blue Lagoon.

Scientologist Tom Cruise revealed that he is much older than the forty three years he has spent in his present body.

Tom Cruise noted that he is “old beyond reckoning.” What’s more, his current life is “probably one of the least satisfying” he has led.

“I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents, and developed cures for diseases,” said Tom Cruise.

Cruise said he became aware that he “had been here before,” when he read the complete works of Shakespeare in a month, despite being dyslexic, not long after dropping out of high school.

“Shakespeare was deja vu for me,” said Tom Cruise. “It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That’s why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making “War of the Worlds” and all those other great movies can’t compare to writing “Romeo and Juliet” or the sonnets.

In addition to recognizing his days of future passed in the works of Shakespeare and Bach—and in the achievements of Columbus and Napoleon—Cruise recognizes the continuing reappearance of “Anti-Thetanic forces,” such as Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields, with whom he has clashed in former lives. (via