Modest Proposals: Spam and the Music Industry

The old “music industry” in the United States is dead. This has been clear for a decade now. Parts of it fall off occasionally, e.g., the entire retail store establishment. Those in charge cannot acknowledge that things have fundamentally changed to their disadvantage. Instead they’re driven into ridiculous extremes: suing children, crippling computers and their own CDs and DVDs, attempting to dock the tuition accounts of college students, and buying risible legislation.

They have no choice. The music industry distributes its product via trucks through warehouses, and there is cash involved. Therefore they are in part controlled by organized crime. In the golden years of the 70s and 80s, so-called “cutout” or remaindered discount records were a cash equivalent, and everyone had some good times with the resulting piles of $50’s. Lew Wasserman helped out his old buddy Ronald Reagan with slush money, and later there was a polite to-do about the Mafia and MCA.

Now imagine the reaction of the wise guys to the elimination of trucking and cash, the elimination of warehouses, and the elimination of networks of middlemen. The made man in the corner office isn’t happy.

It’s clear we need to get these guys out of the picture. They’re trying to make money off something dead, and they aren’t going to let it go. But they’re armed, and wealthy, and very good at using legislation and muscle to keep a good thing going. What to do?

Another problem has been getting worse the last ten years: spam. Annoying email, most of it for illegal or fraudulent businesses, is gumming up the works badly. The spammers are winning the arms race, too: it gets harder and harder to filter their crap without losing legitimate communication. Worst of all, it can’t be legislated out of existence because it originates offshore and is transmitted by zombie armies of compromised computers controlled by crafty Russians. So now we have another organized crime problem: the damn Russians won’t stop spamming us and we can’t do a thing about it.

I propose that we solve both problems simultaneously.

A mission of music executives, internet portal and technology managers, and suitably anonymous government figures will be sent to a Godfather-like summit with the Russian mob’s top leaders. And we will say this to them:

“We know you’re businessmen. And we respect that. We’re businessmen too. And we have a problem for us that’s an opportunity for you. If you want to come in and wipe out the guys who are holding back our music industry, the business is yours. Clearly you know how to sell on the Internet, and how to sell music for that matter. You’re digitally sophisticated and you know how to get paid without trucks and wads of cash. Come on in and enjoy, and we’ll overlook the crime wave as you whack all these bastards.

“In return we ask only one thing: stop the spam. It’s bad for business for us, and it can’t be a long-term business for you either. Technology changes, you know that. If you walk away from spam we’ll hand you the key to digital music, and that’s not going away. Deal?”

The result in my utopia would be a short, exciting series of gangland murders, followed by the emergence of slightly too expensive but totally functional music download services. And spam will go to about 5% what it is now; the government and tech people can take credit for this.

I for one am willing to pay 10% more on my music downloads for this deal.

SPAM DU JOUR

SHARPSHOOTING? VINEGAR BIG HOLE? SIGN ME THE HELL UP!

6 Ed Frimercat,

Dcho 39-40,

08040 MERCABARNA, BARCELONA.

Telephone +34 972330808,Fax +34 972336453

Goodday,

Abaco Fish Limited is a Global Seafood Enterprise based in Spain. Abaco Fish SL has been a company formed by experienced people in the fish industry. Some of them come from centennial companies of the branch, installed for 150 years. Others with 40 years of experience in the international trade of fish and seafood, inclusively having being a principal contributor in the formation and commercial takeoff of Spanish sharpshooting companies. Also we were pioneering in 1971 and 1972 in the product packaging finished for its sale in great surfaces, as they were the first trays of clean sepia, lenguados, and producers of vinegar big hole, etc.

Originally starting out in the Food Additive Industry, the company became swiftly involved in plenty of other segments and is continuously adopting new challenges. Besides the trading business, it has identified the necessity to offer special services to Western companies that wish to engage themselves into activities in Spain but do not have the rights contacts, language abilities and/or time to get this accomplished themselves.

It is upon this note that we are writing you to seek your assistance in representing our company in your locality as our Regional Manager. Note that as a regional manager of our company, you will be entitled to a basic salary of $60,000 United States Dollars a year and 5% bonus of any amount you receive from customers on behalf of the company as payments for sales and outstanding debts on goods that they buy.

As a regional manager of our company, your primary functions are as follows:

1. Maintanance of a sales office. The company will be responsible for all costs including phone and other expenses, and the setting up of the office in your region.

2. Assume responsibility for all sales office.

3. Lastly, contacting clients on behalf of the company who are ready to make payments or wanting to pay for products they purchase from the company.

To facilitate this transaction if accepted, do send us promptly, the following:

1. Your Full Names

2. Present Occupation/Position

3. Contact address

4. Telephone number,Fax and e-mail contact.

5. Age.

Thanks for your time and anticipation to work with Abaco Ltd.

Sincerely Yours,

Torndaro Parkins

Today’s dose of psychoceramica

[b]
B ‘ ‘ H _

Ko mafia ! Global Democracy TRIVOLUZIONE
Cold Fusion W post opec !

Grazie per invio delle cene anche TUE a ARTSENU !
Arriveranno a mandarle tutte / i TERRESTRI grazie
all ‘ esempio di combattenti come TE !
Tuo Franco JAL ARTSENU MOLCA

Si possono inviare 12 cene annue a :
” ERA ORA x ARTSENU ”
Conto Corrente Postale 60397007
via di Torre Argentina 76
I 00186 ROMA di Sopra .
Precisando nella ” causale ”
sul modulo CC o nella lettera :

” queste mie CENE pro ARTSENU IO AFFIDO a
ERA ORA – PRTT – Maria Antonietta FARINA Coscioni
per gestione secondo il manifesto di
ARTSENU TRIVOLUZIONE ” Firma …

E parlarne a parenti amici commilitoni .
Di persona , per posta
elettronica e non … : spammare nzomma !!!

and it goes on

But is it available in powdered form?

Spam du jour, via Xanga:

Sup ignatzmous, my name is Chad am Im 18 years old, i have been involved in the web-development area for a few years now. Recently I released a web site specifically made for teens.

Its a general site that exercises the first amendment. My site is called Beast Toast. It has about 8,000 members already, so if you have a question about something, or just want to share your thoughts feel free to hit my site up.

Site: http://www.BeastToast.com
Register: http://www.BeastToast.com/forum/register.php
~Chad

Sup Chad. Beet toast? Beast totes? Bee Stoats? First amendment? web-development? CHAD?

SPALMON (de Santiago, Chile)

Boy do they have the wrong number. Caught fresh in the wild by my spamchecker, some native Chilean spawning spalmon:

From: “FILETE DE SALMON A DOMICILIO”
Date: February 25, 2007 8:45:11 PM PST
To: “3”
Subject: FILETE DE SALMON A DOMICILIO

DISFRUTE DE EL MEJOR FILETE DE SALMON ENTREGADO EN SU DOMICILIO SIN RECARGO PARA USTED.(solo en la ciudad de santiago)

NUESTROS PRECIOS SON LOS SIGUIENTES:

FILETE DE SALMON FRESCO Y CONGELADO SELLADO AL VACIO 3.800.- POR KILO
FILETE DE SALMON AHUMADO SELLADO AL VACIO 5.000.- POR KILO

HAGA SU PEDIDO AL CORREO salmonchile@chile.com O LLAME AL FONO 09-7424993

si desea ser removido de nuestra lista por favor disculpe y devuelva este correo con la palabra “remover”

your future, yard donkey

I haven’t had time or energy to blodge much. Haven’t been keeping up on other people, either.

My life is a blur of medical bullshit, entertainment news, unix sysadmin tasks, spyware, and spam. Lots and lots of spyware and spam. In lieu of telling you lots of boring details about this I will paste a typical reading item for me lately below.

Content analysis details: (28.0 points, 5.0 required)

pts rule name description
—- ———————- ————————————————–
1.1 EXTRA_MPART_TYPE Header has extraneous Content-type:…type= entry
0.1 FORGED_RCVD_HELO Received: contains a forged HELO
0.0 DK_POLICY_SIGNSOME Domain Keys: policy says domain signs some mails
2.1 TVD_FW_GRAPHIC_ID1 BODY: TVD_FW_GRAPHIC_ID1
0.4 HTML_30_40 BODY: Message is 30% to 40% HTML
1.8 HTML_IMAGE_ONLY_24 BODY: HTML: images with 2000-2400 bytes of words
0.0 HTML_MESSAGE BODY: HTML included in message
3.5 BAYES_99 BODY: Bayesian spam probability is 99 to 100%
[score: 1.0000]
1.5 RAZOR2_CF_RANGE_E8_51_100 Razor2 gives engine 8 confidence level
above 50%
[cf: 100]
0.5 RAZOR2_CHECK Listed in Razor2 (http://razor.sf.net/)
0.5 RAZOR2_CF_RANGE_51_100 Razor2 gives confidence level above 50%
[cf: 100]
4.0 RCVD_IN_BL_SPAMCOP_NET RBL: Received via a relay in bl.spamcop.net
[Blocked – see ]
1.6 URIBL_SBL Contains an URL listed in the SBL blocklist
[URIs: uaikq.hk]
3.0 URIBL_BLACK Contains an URL listed in the URIBL blacklist
[URIs: uaikq.hk]
3.8 URIBL_AB_SURBL Contains an URL listed in the AB SURBL blocklist
[URIs: uaikq.hk]
1.0 PART_CID_STOCK Has a spammy image attachment (by Content-ID)
1.0 PART_CID_STOCK_LESS Has a spammy image attachment (by Content-ID,
more specific)
1.0 STOCK_IMG_HTML Stock spam image part, with distinctive HTML
1.0 STOCK_IMG_HDR_FROM Stock spam image part, with distinctive From line