There are certain things that enter the minds of people even without one.

The andies

Five years ago I revealed that an unknown number of public figures were created as clones of the late great absurdist comedian Andy Kaufman. That article is linked here: Theory: We Are All Andy Now.

This was a tremendous breakthrough. Without this knowledge, we would have been powerless against an army of Andys. It’s been difficult to get by even knowing that characters like Sarah Palin, Rob Ford, Fred Phelps, Julian Assange, and Keith Olbermann are clones of a legendary avant-garde prankster. The current Republican Party candidates for the U.S. Presidency are a clean sweep of 100% Andys. If we didn’t know that, our whole world would be a joke. I mean, think about it.

Two things came up this week that shed further darkness on the situation. I mentioned Steve Rocco, a local political character here, as an Andy. Since I hadn’t done enough research, I didn’t realize that the person commenting at the time about Andy’s death being faked was… Rocco himself. Not only is he an Andy, but his shtick encompasses “Andy Death Denier” along with Mafia paranoia, sunglasses and hat combo, and alleged ketchup theft. So this is a recursive Andy, a meta-Andy, or, scariest of all, a self-aware Andy clone.

Which leads to the next problem. Clearly there are both male and female Andys, and some of them have produced children. Has anyone considered the potential impact of a generation of half-Andys? And if two Andys mate, what happens then?

There’s been talk about a limit to the absurd. Could we have reached the state in human civilization where that combination of meaningless narcissism, absurd behavior, and destructive charisma has peaked? I think not. The second generation Andys are coming. Like the physicists of the 19th century, we are about to be jolted into a new age of Quantum Andys, in which the overwhelming confusion and horror of public life turns us all into Andy, one by one.

I’ve known all my life that Eugene Ionèsco was right about our world. And Rhinoceros has enough parallels with the last decade here already. But I had no idea we were all to be Andy. Who will be the last to go?

How we live now: A one act monologue

A darkened stage with a single chair. Enter ANSELMA, stage left, wearing a headset. ANSELMA sits facing the audience and the lights are brought up.

ANSELMA: Good afternoon, we’re having a great day here at Gurdjieff Ford, this is Anselma speaking, would you like to speak to our customer delight associates about 0% interest and 100% freedom on the all-new for 2007 Ford Extrusion, the truck for your active family today with exclusive cash-back offers in partnership with Mountain Dew Code Blue and River Deep Holiday Slough Resort and Vacation Homes, where floating is swimming and swimming is life?

I will transfer you to Service immediately, ma’am, and can I sign you up for our Preferred Gold Protection Discount Service Plan Extension Guarantee Peace of Mind Club Plus, put protection in your wallet today, it will be 30 seconds of your time?

Thank you for choosing Gurdjieff Ford, a Klimt and Gysin dealer, for your automotive needs and more today we understand you have a choice and appreciate your business! My associate number is 37-228-19-27B/6 and as part of our customer outreach enhancement drive for total satisfaction I will now transfer you to an optional survey so if you have 15 seconds to spare to help us help you live life like it was ice cream you will be automatically entered in a drawing to win dinner for two at the Lipid’s A Lunchery!

The stage is plunged into darkness.

[a single shot is heard]


Behind me two women talk about their “awesome” pastor. In front of me another woman reads with the Life Application Bible and a Josh McDowell apologetics text called “A Ready Defense” stacked next to her. The parking lot is full of ichthyomobiles.

The groupthink is dreary. I feel like the last one in Orange County who’s not an evangelical Protestant Konservative Kristian Klone.