How we live now: A one act monologue

A darkened stage with a single chair. Enter ANSELMA, stage left, wearing a headset. ANSELMA sits facing the audience and the lights are brought up.

ANSELMA: Good afternoon, we’re having a great day here at Gurdjieff Ford, this is Anselma speaking, would you like to speak to our customer delight associates about 0% interest and 100% freedom on the all-new for 2007 Ford Extrusion, the truck for your active family today with exclusive cash-back offers in partnership with Mountain Dew Code Blue and River Deep Holiday Slough Resort and Vacation Homes, where floating is swimming and swimming is life?

I will transfer you to Service immediately, ma’am, and can I sign you up for our Preferred Gold Protection Discount Service Plan Extension Guarantee Peace of Mind Club Plus, put protection in your wallet today, it will be 30 seconds of your time?

Thank you for choosing Gurdjieff Ford, a Klimt and Gysin dealer, for your automotive needs and more today we understand you have a choice and appreciate your business! My associate number is 37-228-19-27B/6 and as part of our customer outreach enhancement drive for total satisfaction I will now transfer you to an optional survey so if you have 15 seconds to spare to help us help you live life like it was ice cream you will be automatically entered in a drawing to win dinner for two at the Lipid’s A Lunchery!

The stage is plunged into darkness.

[a single shot is heard]

GOD DAMN SON OF PIECE OF MOTHERSHITTER SLUT SACK BITCH DICK CRAP CAN

1. My DSL provider gets an area-wide outage

2. Unrelated to this, my domain registrar sends out notification to everyone that my domains point to dyndns.org. They don’t. I disappear from the Internet.

3. Work pages me to help them manage users on Mac OS X on the command line which is mind-bogglingly stupid and complex. Thank you, NextStep. Thank you, NetInfo. FUCK YOU, STEVE.

4. I call support for #2 and it says they’re close and leave a message, but instead I get hold music and can’t leave a message. I then leave an email support request marked SUPER FUCKING URGENT YOU FUCKS and get a call back to my cell later, which I can’t answer because T-Mobile’s coverage includes all of California except my house. They don’t leave a message.

5. GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR FUCKING WAR. DO YOU SPEAK IT, MOTHERFUCKER?