Tag: pyramidschemes

If you’re ready to succeed, then success is ready for you.

We’re here today to celebrate each other. Let’s all have a big hand for all of us. All of you! Yeah!

I don’t like to call these “seminars”. They’re FUNinars. Because what’s the most fun in life? Succeeding. And succeeding is what we’re going to do today. I’d like you to go ahead and look at your handouts now.

The real beauty of this system is how simple and fast it is. Ordinary people in their own homes — yes, like you — can build multiple streams of income within weeks by following these simple worksheets and videos.

If you’re not interested in building wealth, if you’re not interested in becoming a millionaire, then you can just change the channel and walk away. This program is only for people who are ready for serious financial improvement in their lives today.

You can date beautiful model-quality women every week. And it’s not hard. Think I’m crazy? Think again. Relationships are a science like everything else, and any guy can learn the inside tricks and secret rules of sex today. You knew something was missing all along, didn’t you? This is it.

There are a billion business opportunities out there, and as an entrepreneur you’re going to ask yourself: which one is best for me? Well there’s one thing that everyone can agree on: Mr. Pickly’s Deli-Quik is a franchise that’s here to stay — and here to pay!

You know, this is my favorite way to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because everybody wins! Are you ready to win today? Are you ready to be a millionaire? Can I get a YEAH? Everyone, you’ve been awesome. There are tables at the entrances, and we’ll be coming around.

Attacking the darkness.

So here’s the plan. I’m going to sell Dungeons & Dragons, specifically I think “Advanced Dungeons & Dragons”, as a cult. The idea is that the D&D books, while masquerading as a game, are actually the keys to an ancient and powerful spiritual tradition. And I alone am the chosen one who has been given the burden of showing Mankind the Way. The adventures, and monsters, and character types, and spells, and all of it are Tarot-like symbols that point inward to a hermeneutic tradition that has been suppressed for five thousand years.

The (expensive) services will be of course D&D games. As the supplicant’s character increases in level, more bits of the inner truth will become apparent, or be revealed by the treasures and monsters that are encountered. Higher level characters will be given the ability to buy magic items, spells, weapons etc. The opportunities for religious consumerism will be endless here: dice, dice bags, books, etc. At a certain level, the supplicant may be invited to become a game master at a low level. And after years and years, the top level (probably 33rd as in Masonry) could be achieved, after about $150,000 and a lot of work. The mysteries of character generation, character types, alignments, and the existence of “dungeons” could be explained in stages of symbolic meaning tuned to the supplicant’s level.

So I could fuse pop culture, childhood nostalgia, Scientology, the New Age, shopping mall “wiccan” distaste for Christianity, the will to power, consumerism, multilevel marketing, geek culture, the current Tolkien mania, and every mythic tradition that D&D itself grave-robbed.

And if there’s girls there, I’m going to do them.