Tag: newportbeach

The Fall of the House of Steinberg

Mold sends homeowners packing

Super extra famous sports agent Leigh Steinberg had to move and then got screwed again in his second 5 million dollar house. Oh no! Why? Well, the mold showed up again.

The Ambe family blew 3.5 mil on a house only have their 18 month old baby covered in a rash and “listless” due to the same mold.

Oddly, the same building company didn’t seem to have the problem when giving away their services for a TV show in which they fixed up a house to save a mold-threatened child.

Best quote in the article:

“My poor husband — he’s a plastic surgeon — he’s having to do five surgeries a day … where typically it would be three,” she said.

I wonder if a Tulpa can take the form of mold?

Who needs money when you’re soaked in steaming hot infected brain tissue?

I am at a Starbucks and there are morons talking about blogs, demographics, and “making or breaking bands.” The guy are talking about shit like “Yeah if someone looks for a band like Yo La Tengo then I get a list of that” and “Most of the blogs are just advertising stuff but some of those kids get, like, credentialed.” I think one of them just said that a band had a “web tour.” also: “THERE’S ACTUALLY SOME REALLY GOOD CELEBRITY SITES!!!”

One of them has Hippie Hair that he saw on a TV movie repeat from 1981 in 2003, clearly, complete with headband. I think they’ve mentioned Seattle about 8 times in the last 5 minutes.

I never remember to bring the kukri or the short-barrel 10-gauge when it’s really, really needed.

TLÉÉ’

An email from Kazakhkstan leads to coffee in Newport

Tom at Kéan Coffee

Saw Tom today, for the first time in more than 20 years. I went to high school with him and I think saw him once after that. In the meantime he’s had a few careers and is currently fully employed saving the world. This is a damned good thing in that the world is in need of saving and Tom is both smart and on the side of the angels.

I tried to explain some of the more recent features of our locale including Mortgage Bro ‘n’ Ho Culture, the Vanguard Nice Christian Kid Death Star Attack, and the deadly affluenza of drugs and alcohol among the Kids These Days. Not sure if I was sufficiently descriptive.

I went away with the happy feeling of having reconnected, some good stories from both of us, and a sticker that says COALITION CONVOY / STAY BACK 50 METERS / DEADLY FORCE IS AUTHORIZED in English and Arabic. I think that is going to go on the laptop. I’ll leave the rest of the storytelling to him, if he chooses to tell the stories.

On the way over there I was listening to Indie 103 (which I’m liking more and more) and it was Steve Jones’ show. It was a crazy reunion show at that because Jonesy had John Lydon on the show and they were bullshitting and laughing about the Sex Pistols days. Best quote was from Lydon: “And we were very confused, as one ought to be.”

Anyway they wrapped up the show as I was driving from the shrink’s office to meet Tom at Kéan. Just as I drove past my alma mater, all decorated with happy cheerleader girls doing the splits, the radio spat out “God Save the Queen” and I realized that this was something like my 25th anniversary of driving past that high school blasting that song on my car radio.

As Tom said, “that still works.”

I’M DYIN’ OUT HERE. THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING THING. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. FUCK.

I was just awakened from a lovely nap by lost bro guys. There were two of them, the Shouter and the Mumbler. The Shouter was on his phone and alternately talking to the Mumbler.

SHOUTER: AN HOUR AGO WE WERE AT THE BAR AND NOW WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE!!

MUMBLER: Urghm… [inaudible]

SHOUTER: WHAT THE FUCK, I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME! NO, I’M AT HARMONY AND BAGUETTE! NO! GET THE COMPUTER!

MUMBLER: grghgm…

SHOUTER: SHUT THE FUCK UP! NO! I DON’T KNOW. I WALKED THE WHOLE WAY. YOU GOTTA HELP ME. COME ON. FUCKIN’. THIS IS FUCKING NOWHERE.

SHOUTER: FUCK FUCK, FUCK, FUCK FUCK FUCK! HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN? YES I SAID HARMONY AND BAGUETTE. NO I DON’T KNOW. YOU TELL ME WHICH WAY! LEFT OR RIGHT? I’M FACING… FUCK JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!

This went on for about fifteen minutes. For reference, I’m a half mile from the boulevard where any bar would be, and if you look down “Harmony” you can see a major thoroughfare at each end within a few minutes’ walking distance. Shouter was degenerating into a meltdown panic as if he’d fallen into an abandoned mineshaft or been left behind by the last chopper out of a firefight in Afghanistan. Periodically he attempted to hail some passing car. Oh dear god don’t leave the poor boy here in this suburban neighborhood that’s laid out in a grid. Some soccer mom will skin him alive for a laugh or he’ll be mauled and eaten by wandering housecats.

Finally I went out to either help him find his way out of our living Hell or get him to shut up. He was headed in the right direction, though, and he and Mumbler slowly flapped in their flip-flops towards the twinkling lights of the Oasis called Newport Boulevard.

SHOUTER: YEAH, BUT WHAT WAS FUNNY IS HOW MUCH WE RIPPED HIM OFF!!

MUMBLER: shut the fuck up

SHOUTER: WE GOT HIS NINETY BUCKS AND THERE’S NO WAY HE GOT HIS MONEY’S WORTH! HAHAHAHAHAH!

The new chain restaurant is here! The new chain restaurant is here!

The huge restaurant chain that owns Outback, Fleming’s, and various other Tchotchke’s/Flingers type places has brought their expensive seafood joint here, “”Blue Coral.” Best quote from the Register article is:

That was evident Tuesday night, as diners such as Stafford – clad in khaki shorts, an Oxford shirt and a Crevier BMW cap – admired Blue Coral’s high-back booth seats, iridescent-blue mosaic tiles and teak floors. The Fleming’s regular said he plans to cruise among Roy’s, Fleming’s and Blue Coral on a weekly basis.

“This is what Newport Beach is all about,” Stafford said.

Um. No. Newport beach is all about the Crab Cooker, the Villa Nova, Dad’s Donuts, the Blue Beet, and Original Pizza. Among others. There’s an actual town here and we don’t need any more chain restaurants for the guys in polo shirts and pressed khaki shorts and pressed executive hair.

I bet he has a Duffy electric boat, too. Snark. 😀

The full article is interesting, especially in the detail that America’s shitty chain restaurants are getting their profits ground to bits by high energy costs.

HELLO NEWPORT BEACH. ARE YOU ALL READY TO ROCK TONIGHT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Eddie Money is playing at our shopping mall tonight..

Your chance to hear “Two Tickets to Paradise” in the Bloomingdale’s Courtyard at Fashion Island. Other things you can do tonight include stabbing yourself in the face and head, drinking a glass of warm vinegar, and looking at photos of skin diseases.

It’s Wednesday night in Orange County. What are you all waiting for? THE NIGHT IS CALLING YOU

joliet prison and 99 years, turn turn to the rain and the wind

Car Wash WIndshield

I talk back to the car radio a lot, particularly when it’s not making sense. Today I heard a commercial shilling for a local supermarket chain’s loyalty program. The pitch was that you were supporting local schools because they’d give the kids a pencil for every 400,000 cucumbers sold, etc. The ad was pure SPIN selling, starting with “Education is so important. Our schools need new books and new computers all the time so children can progress. And there’s something you can do to help!” At which point I yelled “YEAH, YOU COULD PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES!” That’s when I noticed that my window was opening and that the motorcyclist next to me was grinning at me.

Dinner: Chilled poached salmon with mayonnaise and dill; toasted pita bread with a dollop of hummus and fresh ground black pepper; caprese salad with fresh tomatoes on vine, fresh ovolini mozzarella, fresh basil, and good olive oil. Time to prepare: 15 minutes.

I was at Kéan for just an hour or so today, to cool off and slurp a cold coffee beverage. Rich unhappy people have such scrunched-up, sour faces even when they’re experiencing pleasures most of the world will never see. Looking dissatisfied when you’re having a dark chocolate mocha milkshake in an air-conditioned cafe in Paradise just after buying an iPod must be difficult, but they manage it.

At Trader Joes a plastic surgery disasters woman in her fifties was dragging her husband around hectoring him about their purchases. She’d perch angrily next to some item and pick it up: “Do you want these? Do you like yellow mustard? I like Dijon mustard. Do you want it? Are we going to get Dijon mustard?” He was a tired Tommy Lee Jones who didn’t say much except “Okay,” or “Go ahead.”

90 degrees and humid means that all the beautiful people were showing flesh today. Including the very genuinely beautiful ones and not just the ones who had purchased the standard of beauty as an aftermarket option. A six-footer surfer boy, all tanned abs and long bones and bleached hair-mp, was looking at frozen food next to a hourglass-figured blonde beach goddess with honey-colored skin and shockingly bright blue eyes. They were unaware that they were a Guess! ad because they were trying to figure out which kind of peas to get.

The flower shop next to Kéan has an appropriately fancy name, but their sign with their url on it looks like they’re selling the flowers eaten by a demon rather than those painted by an Impressionist. It’s not as obvious as “powergenitalia” but they should have realized.

I am currently maintaining crushes on at least three unavailable women. Go me!

In musical news, I’m going to see Steve Wynn this Friday night. It may well be a real Dream Syndicate reunion show of some kind. I have an extra ticket if you’re interested and can go with or meet me at McCabe’s Guitars in Santa Monica.

I have “Percy’s Song” as done by Fairport Convention in my head.

Area Newspaper’s Police Blotter Weird This Week

Newport Beach:

Island, 300 block: suspicious circumstances, July 7. A resident found that an envelope had been placed in her mailbox with her name printed on it. The envelope contained a vibrator, a battery and a note.

Costa Mesa:

Location undisclosed: arrest, July 11. James Norwood Branch, 45, of Newport Beach, was arrested on suspicion of rape of a drugged victim and lewd and lascivious acts.

Police are investigating the cause of a loud explosion and several broken windows at a Costa Mesa apartment building late Monday. Police responded to the 2100 block of Elden Avenue at 9:30 p.m. to reports of a loud explosion, but did not see any evidence that an explosion had occurred. Tuesday morning, one resident found a piece of metal on the front porch and two other residents said their windows were broken, Costa Mesa police said. Arson investigators and the Orange County Sheriff’s Bomb Squad Tuesday morning found evidence that a destructive device was exploded outside the apartment building.