Taxonomy from the Porter

zoology
Railway Porter (to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets). “’STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS ‘DOGS,’ AND RABBITS IS ‘DOGS,’ AND SO’S PARROTS; BUT THIS ’ERE ‘TORTIS’ IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN’T NO CHARGE FOR IT!”

Charles Keene ~ 1869

I’ve been looking for the original of this cartoon for years. It’s much quoted, sometimes with a “tortis” and sometimes with “hinsect” or other variations on rabbits and cats.

Thanks to http://www.wandleys.demon.co.uk/punchpix.htm and a collection of Punch cartoons about trains.

SPAM DU JOUR

SHARPSHOOTING? VINEGAR BIG HOLE? SIGN ME THE HELL UP!

6 Ed Frimercat,

Dcho 39-40,

08040 MERCABARNA, BARCELONA.

Telephone +34 972330808,Fax +34 972336453

Goodday,

Abaco Fish Limited is a Global Seafood Enterprise based in Spain. Abaco Fish SL has been a company formed by experienced people in the fish industry. Some of them come from centennial companies of the branch, installed for 150 years. Others with 40 years of experience in the international trade of fish and seafood, inclusively having being a principal contributor in the formation and commercial takeoff of Spanish sharpshooting companies. Also we were pioneering in 1971 and 1972 in the product packaging finished for its sale in great surfaces, as they were the first trays of clean sepia, lenguados, and producers of vinegar big hole, etc.

Originally starting out in the Food Additive Industry, the company became swiftly involved in plenty of other segments and is continuously adopting new challenges. Besides the trading business, it has identified the necessity to offer special services to Western companies that wish to engage themselves into activities in Spain but do not have the rights contacts, language abilities and/or time to get this accomplished themselves.

It is upon this note that we are writing you to seek your assistance in representing our company in your locality as our Regional Manager. Note that as a regional manager of our company, you will be entitled to a basic salary of $60,000 United States Dollars a year and 5% bonus of any amount you receive from customers on behalf of the company as payments for sales and outstanding debts on goods that they buy.

As a regional manager of our company, your primary functions are as follows:

1. Maintanance of a sales office. The company will be responsible for all costs including phone and other expenses, and the setting up of the office in your region.

2. Assume responsibility for all sales office.

3. Lastly, contacting clients on behalf of the company who are ready to make payments or wanting to pay for products they purchase from the company.

To facilitate this transaction if accepted, do send us promptly, the following:

1. Your Full Names

2. Present Occupation/Position

3. Contact address

4. Telephone number,Fax and e-mail contact.

5. Age.

Thanks for your time and anticipation to work with Abaco Ltd.

Sincerely Yours,

Torndaro Parkins

NOW HEAR THIS

The following is a fatwa or blogular bull about the word “tribal.”

The word may still be used. However, the following rules apply:

  • It may not be used as a noun (“Justin has a tribal on his left thigh.”)
  • When used as an adjective, the word must refer to specific tribes or groups of tribes, as in: “Each of the chiefs heads his own tribal council” or “It is a tribal custom here to leave a little grain outside thet door for the spirits.” Useage of the form “I guess they’re really tribal there” or “I saw a show about some tribal people who ate yams” is forbidden. The word does not refer to brown-skinned people with insufficient pants who live in rural areas.
  • There is no style of art or music that can or should be called “tribal.” Each tribe within each culture has particular styles in the arts and they are all different from each other. The word does not refer to vaguely African or Native American patterns in art or rhythmic music. The music of the Israelite tribes, for example, is notably different from that of the Zulu. Useage such as “These tribal beat loops are gonna be great in my epic techno song” or “They’re having a sale at Target on those tribal pattern shower curtains” is forbidden.

Those who break these rules will be forced to pronounce the word as “tribble” for one year and live on fufu.

There’s no romance in piracy.

Does anyone have a good reference for Indonesian and Malaysian dialect and pidgin? I want my Talk like a Pirate Day experience to be authentic. Ideally I should sound like real pirates: boatloads of emaciated Malay drug addicts who swarm freighters in the Malacca Straits and hack up the crew with dull machetes, shrieking happily.

Or maybe Somali. Ships are supposed to stay > 100 miles off the coast of Somalia to avoid the local industry there, too.

dogmatic statement

A restaurant, the name of which is formed by making a possessive out of a noun not traditionally used as a given name, but which is descriptive or evocative of the restaurant’s food or entertainment or the ethnic group which produces said food, will be a bad restaurant. Examples: Chili’s, TGI Friday’s, Taquito’s. Corollary: A restaurant named similarly but with a plural instead of a possessive will be more expensive and marginally better, but rarely worth it. Examples: Plums, Scallions, Tapas. Second corollary: Any business named in the former naming category is sure to be an unpleasant franchise and should be avoided. Example: Tire’s Warehouse.