…in this quiet space between Christmas and New Year’s (the ancients called it Perineum!) there’s much to consider, and much stock to be taken. But don’t forget to have a MERRY BAUNCHMAS, all!
This Veterans Day I offer a toast to my Uncle Richard. He was a very young soldier in 1943 when he was called upon to invade Sicily and fight the Nazis there.
On average everyone in his unit was killed three times, so 300% casualties. It’s not clear how he survived, although he has a great debt to an older sergeant who looked after him. A lot of things in life have been more difficult than they should have been since then.
Since that time he has maintained a continuous, loyal, and upright middle finger at any kind of authority, without exception. He’s a photographer and painter and retired from teaching. I believe he was something of a thorn in the side of university administrators during his career.
Uncle Dick, I’m sorry for the unholy amount of suffering you had to endure, and I salute you for being a model of rebellion and creative success. Bottoms up!
WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has repeatedly proven offensive or inconvenient to the majority of the American People;
WHEREAS, the Feast of St. Valentine has been demonstrably debased by unseemly commercialism and rapacious greed;
WHEREAS, all attempts to celebrate the Feast of St. Valentine in the common way debase the true arts of love;
WHEREAS, the above factors in combination have continued to cause strife, discomfort and misery in the Greater Portion of the American People;
WHEREAS, the activities surrounding the Feast of St. Valentine debase and shame the American People;
AND WHEREAS, a more appropriate and honorable claim to that day exists;
NOW, THEREFORE, we decree that the celebration of the Feast of St. Valentine be hereby ABOLISHED;
AND WE FURTHER ORDER that the Fourteenth Day of February each year be rededicated to the celebration of the birth of Joshua, Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, who, by the grace of God, ruled his people wisely and well for more than twenty years.
The eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month…
I am in a crabby mood because I blew off some things I shouldn’t have, and because I got sunburned on one side of my face due to inattention, and because weltschmerz. Therefore I would like to point out that this U.S. holiday called “Memorial Day” is the original day of remembrance for the dead of the U.S. Civil War, which was the worst thing ever to happen in this country, and which we should remember because so many people died or had their lives wrecked. And that the day we call Veterans Day was originally Armistice Day because it commemorated the end of the Great War which was the worst thing ever to happen in the entire world, and which we should remember because so many tens of millions of people died or had their lives wrecked.
And finally that the day our current administration wishes to call Patriot Day commemorates a disastrous terrorist attack on our nation and the final irreversible step from republic into empire, forever.
Hail Caesar and have a nice barbecue.
1282: On or about this day, at Inverkeithing, Fife, a parish priest named John parades a “wooden image of the male members of generation” accompanied by young women, urging them “to licentious actions by his no less licentious language”; obviously he is celebrating Something on a Stick Day
Thanks, Exploding Aardvark!