Month: January 2006

apologia pro loco suo

I offer a general apology for my behavior, which has been erratic and damaging to others lately.

Physical changes in my brain and associated emotional distress have at least temporarily warped my personality. My current view of the world is so obviously distorted that I can’t say definitively what is going on. Some of you have had similar experiences and may understand what I mean, but you don’t have to; you can just say I’m nuts, and that’ll do.

I’ve been an egotist, a professional patient, and needy to the point of requiring unavailable levels of reassurance. I’ve been quick to anger and easily triggered into huge floods of emotion by things that other people have found trivial. Much of my behavior only made sense in a context I can’t expect anyone else to share.

No one is required to accept my public or private apologies, or to put up with me at all for that matter. I’ve been angry, demanding, suspicious, deeply depressed, irrational, and completely terrified for a long time now, beyond the capacity of most reasonable people to accept. For a shorter time I’ve been open about those things here, which in retrospect was a terrible mistake on many levels. I would not fault anyone for writing me off, as painful as that might be.

Some of you have been privately critical of me, in the best sense, without damning but without finessing the point. It wasn’t easy to hear some of those things, but harsh truth was better than easy. That’s seriously the most valuable thing any friend has given me, ever.

It’s not assured that I’ll survive this experience at all, much less that I’ll emerge as someone you’ll want to know. Wish me luck even if you’re wishing me goodbye.

Rasputin is a truck.

truck

There is one achievement of the last century that will stand without a doubt, and that is the 1980s era Toyota minitruck. In this Google video you see this greatness made manifest, as Jeremy Clarkson and crew do their best to destroy a 100,000 mile+ former farm truck with impact, seawater, fire, and other things.

Every broke person I hung out with in the 80s and early 90s drove one of these things. I’d buy one today. pbd had one that later the_silent_one had too. That was a 1980, wasn’t it? Greg’s was an ’88 and he put 100,000 miles of L.A. messenger/courier work on it before he sold it. The Chadian army blew up Libyan tanks with them. They. Will. Not. Die.

Is the Tacoma still that good, I wonder?

kow fil-A

I would like to thank both of kitchen_life for stuffing salome_st_john and myself with food tonight, including about 1/3 of a cow, mashpo tatoes, and completely perfect asparagus. What a totally wonderful evening! You’re great hosts.

Did your neighbor, like, die? I tripped on a newspaper on the stairs and they had about a month’s worth of various delivered stuff on their doorstep.

good THINGS

First, my mother returned from her long trip to India with a huge freakin’ sack of Indian spices, probably like a $100 run to Lakshmi. Whole cardamom! White pepper! More masala than even I could use up quickly! Mysterious little packets! And a joke gift of some beedees, so I can smoke like it’s 1998.

Also, I’m playing with Google Earth again which is the best toy ever invented in the history of stuff.